"All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
— Samuel Beckett
About
I'm British. I love stilton. It's a cheese. I'm trying to love life. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
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"The more you hate them, the stronger they become."
— Candace Bushnell
"We find each other - the damaged ones, our energies prickling in recognition even before we meet. Across crowded rooms at Hollywood parties, wandering grocery aisles, blading on Venice Beach. Anywhere. Everywhere. Instantly. We always have our love lights on, seeking willing partners. I can smell their lust for domination, sense the pleasure they draw from crushing. They in turn can see the capacity for hurt beneath my bold come-hither gaze. When the first psychic blow falls, then, and only then, I am hooked. I know. Because it’s what I’ve been doing and feeling and craving for years."
— Love Junkie by Rachel Resnick
"At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won’t stop loving them, even after they’re dead and gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart… I still love you. And sometimes, my friend, the love that I have, and can’t give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep."
— Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
5 things…
I listened to his sleeping breath, and let him cling to the ache in my heart. Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that’s all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that’s all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn.
Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
Cost of getting tube to paddington station from wood lane… £3. Cost of getting text from beautiful man asking me out for dinner as I’m about to get on the train back to Bristol… Free. Cost of getting train back from Paddington to Wood Lane to meet beautiful man for dinner… £3. Cost of dinner and drinks at wahaca… Free. Dinner with completely out of my league wanker banker and invite to dinner at private members club in the city next week… Priceless!
I need help.
Sometimes I have brief moments of mentalism. In these moments I often find myself horrifically drunk yet surrounded by those who are sober. In these moments I often find myself calling a man, calling fifty men, talking at them, slurring at them, hanging up, then getting angry when they don’t call back. In these moments I’m talk very loudly. In these moments I mock people and find it funny. They don’t find it funny. In these moments I’ll think I’m flirting. I will be failing. In these moments I hate the way I look, but I think fuck it, nobody cares and I’ll be dead soon. In these moments I think about destroying my body. In these moments I paralyse myself, kill every chance of ever sustaining something close to happiness. In these moments I want to suffer, to punish myself for crimes uncommitted. These moments will never end.
Happy my birthday!
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